[ Were they back to talking about boundaries? She thought that had been settled already. Unless… ]
Is me wanting to do more crossing the line?
[ Alex didn’t really have friends until she came to Aef, and many of them have left since. Navigating these types of relationships was still new to her, and she knew she could be clumsy. ]
[It's never settled. It's like a bad filling, always distracting, always getting things caught in the amalgam, always sharp and tender against the tongue's prodding tip.]
[ Alex has to mentally cover her ears, her brows pinching slightly as she closes her eyes, already knowing what her hallucination would have to say about that. It only lasts a second before she’s looking back at Linden again. ]
Isn’t it a matter of what you’re okay with?
[ There’s little Alex isn’t willing to do for the people she cares for, but she can’t decide for them what they want or don’t want. ]
That was never a good litmus test. I'm okay with too much, honestly... I'd let anything happen, if I thought it was for the right reasons. I'd do anything for the right outcome, do you understand? So... your outcome, your ideal one? I guess I'm asking what it is.
Yes, she did, and she’s overcome once again with the consciousness of what’s happened between them. And that makes her answer to his question seem childish and embarrassing.
Her legs fold up on the chair, hugging them close to her chest. ]
My ideal outcome…was whatever made you happy.
[ A simple answer really. If she could make him smile or do something beneficial for him, that was enough. ]
[He cants his head. Childish, yes. Embarrassing, perhaps not as much as she might believe. He's childish in his ways, too, in just as many ways as he's distant and sullen.]
What makes one person happy isn't necessarily true for others. I've only ever copied what makes others happy, and generally found it doesn't work for me. So... I remember what made me happy a long time ago, and try to let it make me happy again. Like...
[ He has to reach that far back? Alex wonders if there are things in the present that make him happy then… ]
Ah…not that I remember.
[ Her mother might have made one for her a long time ago. Emilio may have drawn her one or made a mud cake of some sorts. But her memories are muddled, and she hasn’t celebrated her birthday in years. ]
I actually…don’t remember when mine is.
[ She admits a bit bashfully. That was probably an odd thing not to remember. But she perks up, her ears up in attention while she leans forward excitedly. ]
[That seems very sad to him, and he's silent for a few beats.]
Mine's October 31st. Halloween. When I turned five, we had nothing, but my mother went out of her way to bake a cake for me. We didn't have any candles, so she pulled them off the menorah for it.
[He understands the impropriety, now. He didn't then.]
I wished she wouldn't leave me, but I had a cough from the mold in our house. I couldn't blow out five, so. Wasted wish, but it made me happy, while they were lit. Like nothing else since.
[ October 31st…that was coming up. She listens to his story, imagining what a tiny, 5 year old Linden must’ve been like. While her memories might be vague, she can touch on the feelings of being content with little to nothing, so long as you were with people you loved.
It was his happy memory, but it made her smile warmly. ]
[He nods, but there's a catch in the motion, as though he's reconsidering the logistics of it even in a moment of gladness. Slowly, he starts to ask a question.]
Will you still make it, even if--
[He reconsiders. Cuts himself off. Smiles.]
It sounds really great. I know that it'll be amazing.
[His answering laughter is bright, like silver overpolished to the point of scratching.]
Strawberry shortcake, if there are options. Always strawberry shortcake.
[His mother's cake, he thinks, had been vaguely vanilla-flavored. He doesn't fully remember it. Time has done strange things to this memory, as it does to most of them. He remembers the candles, the rare smile, the way his lungs filled too quickly and tightly. He can't remember if it tasted good, if he managed to blow out two or three of the five before he choked on his breath, if he actually had the words in his native language to conceptualize that it was the death of a wish.
Sugar coated his fingers, his aching throat. He remembers that it was a distraction, for awhile, a treat to focus on as a slender shadow drifted away and furniture scraped in the distance.
His hand is over his mouth, and he's not sure when that happened.
Remove, reset.]
Whipped cream, too. I think... it's always been my favorite.
[ The laugh takes her by surprise, finned ears fanned out as even her poor hearing picks up how clear his voice is. She’s not sure she said anything particularly funny, but she likes it. ]
Strawberry shortcake with whipped cream it is.
[ While they shared no bond, there was a pull that Alex felt, something about Linden that made her want to comfort him. But she’s torn between that instinct and the agreement they’d just made. There might not be any impure intentions behind it, but Alex decides she shouldn’t. It helped that there was a table between them. ]
[L's laughter is rarely natural, usually complicated. Just as often as amusement motivates it, nerves or fear cut their way in, coax it out of him, or make it tense behind his teeth like a caged and trapped thing.]
I can't help but look forward to it.
[Is his smile, at least, uncomplicated? Safe and easy, the way hers is even when it's sad behind the eyes?]
Have you chosen a day for your own birthday? That's customary, I've heard, in the cases where people aren't quite sure.
[He's sure, and it's actually kind of a miracle that he knows. While memory can play tricks and be cruel and unreliable, his mother had been superstitious and resentful enough to always let him know the day and what she believed it meant.]
[ That Linden isn’t brushing off her attempts is good enough for her. Trying to understand her teacher was often like finding your way around a maze. There were no shortcuts, no way to climb over hedges, and it could be long and winding. But at times, not overthinking all the twists and turns and just appreciating the simply beauty of its intricacies made it worth it. If that came in the form of a small smile over birthday cake, that was a win.
He redirects the subject to her, as he normally does, but it dawns on Alex that she hadn’t considered that yet, nor has anyone asked her. She looks down at her fingers as they press against one another, fiddling as usual. ]
Not…I mean, it’s crossed my mind, but I never really thought about it. I’d already gone so long without one, so…
[ Has she watched friends and families celebrate birthdays together at the places she’s worked? Children excitedly blowing out candles and opening up presents? Yes, sometimes longingly. But it was hard to miss something she didn’t remember. ]
[There's a sudden, childlike intensity to the declaration.]
You should pick a time of year you like the most, and feel the most alive, and choose a birthday. If you're going to value others', it would be hypocritical not to.
[ His sudden enthusiasm was unexpected, and somehow rather touching. Whether she realized it or not, Linden had always seemed to advocate for her well being and happiness, something she didn’t have much of in life. And he was right, why couldn’t she have ine herself? ]
I’ll…I’ll think about it. Suddenly I can’t decide what my favorite time of year is.
[ It was exciting in a way that made her heart beat faster. To declare that a certain day was her day. ]
When I do decide on one…will you celebrate with me?
You don't have to decide immediately. But... yes, of course I will.
[In the moment, he can promise as much. The complications that might arise also don't have to be considered, immediately. All the things that can happen between now and then are infinite and intimidating, but this, at least, is nice.]
[ It’s been a while since she’d done that kind of work, a part of her missing it and the people she had worked with. Alex was certain she’d like it just as much with Linden. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Am I only supposed to be friends with my Bonded…?
[ Her question comes out before she realizes what he might be referring to. She leans back against the chair, an almost defensive stance. ]
Is that what you think?
no subject
[But what he believes doesn't matter, perhaps, as much as what some others might.]
Where "friend" begins and ends might also matter.
[The fact that it's difficult, is proof that they don't always master that boundary.]
no subject
Is me wanting to do more crossing the line?
[ Alex didn’t really have friends until she came to Aef, and many of them have left since. Navigating these types of relationships was still new to her, and she knew she could be clumsy. ]
So where does it begin and end?
no subject
It depends on what more you want to do.
no subject
Isn’t it a matter of what you’re okay with?
[ There’s little Alex isn’t willing to do for the people she cares for, but she can’t decide for them what they want or don’t want. ]
no subject
[His answer is startlingly quick.]
That was never a good litmus test. I'm okay with too much, honestly... I'd let anything happen, if I thought it was for the right reasons. I'd do anything for the right outcome, do you understand? So... your outcome, your ideal one? I guess I'm asking what it is.
no subject
Yes, she did, and she’s overcome once again with the consciousness of what’s happened between them. And that makes her answer to his question seem childish and embarrassing.
Her legs fold up on the chair, hugging them close to her chest. ]
My ideal outcome…was whatever made you happy.
[ A simple answer really. If she could make him smile or do something beneficial for him, that was enough. ]
Are you going to say that’s not necessary?
no subject
What makes one person happy isn't necessarily true for others. I've only ever copied what makes others happy, and generally found it doesn't work for me. So... I remember what made me happy a long time ago, and try to let it make me happy again. Like...
[It's so hard to remember.]
A birthday cake. Did you ever have one of those?
no subject
Ah…not that I remember.
[ Her mother might have made one for her a long time ago. Emilio may have drawn her one or made a mud cake of some sorts. But her memories are muddled, and she hasn’t celebrated her birthday in years. ]
I actually…don’t remember when mine is.
[ She admits a bit bashfully. That was probably an odd thing not to remember. But she perks up, her ears up in attention while she leans forward excitedly. ]
But when’s yours? It hasn’t passed yet, has it?
no subject
[That seems very sad to him, and he's silent for a few beats.]
Mine's October 31st. Halloween. When I turned five, we had nothing, but my mother went out of her way to bake a cake for me. We didn't have any candles, so she pulled them off the menorah for it.
[He understands the impropriety, now. He didn't then.]
I wished she wouldn't leave me, but I had a cough from the mold in our house. I couldn't blow out five, so. Wasted wish, but it made me happy, while they were lit. Like nothing else since.
no subject
It was his happy memory, but it made her smile warmly. ]
Can I make a cake for your birthday, then?
no subject
Will you still make it, even if--
[He reconsiders. Cuts himself off. Smiles.]
It sounds really great. I know that it'll be amazing.
no subject
Doesn’t matter what kind you want. I’ll do my best, so you can request whatever you’d like to have.
[ She laughs as she tries to give him a reassuring smile. ]
no subject
Strawberry shortcake, if there are options. Always strawberry shortcake.
[His mother's cake, he thinks, had been vaguely vanilla-flavored. He doesn't fully remember it. Time has done strange things to this memory, as it does to most of them. He remembers the candles, the rare smile, the way his lungs filled too quickly and tightly. He can't remember if it tasted good, if he managed to blow out two or three of the five before he choked on his breath, if he actually had the words in his native language to conceptualize that it was the death of a wish.
Sugar coated his fingers, his aching throat. He remembers that it was a distraction, for awhile, a treat to focus on as a slender shadow drifted away and furniture scraped in the distance.
His hand is over his mouth, and he's not sure when that happened.
Remove, reset.]
Whipped cream, too. I think... it's always been my favorite.
no subject
Strawberry shortcake with whipped cream it is.
[ While they shared no bond, there was a pull that Alex felt, something about Linden that made her want to comfort him. But she’s torn between that instinct and the agreement they’d just made. There might not be any impure intentions behind it, but Alex decides she shouldn’t. It helped that there was a table between them. ]
Things like that.
[ She continues. ]
I’d like to so things like that for you.
no subject
I can't help but look forward to it.
[Is his smile, at least, uncomplicated? Safe and easy, the way hers is even when it's sad behind the eyes?]
Have you chosen a day for your own birthday? That's customary, I've heard, in the cases where people aren't quite sure.
[He's sure, and it's actually kind of a miracle that he knows. While memory can play tricks and be cruel and unreliable, his mother had been superstitious and resentful enough to always let him know the day and what she believed it meant.]
no subject
He redirects the subject to her, as he normally does, but it dawns on Alex that she hadn’t considered that yet, nor has anyone asked her. She looks down at her fingers as they press against one another, fiddling as usual. ]
Not…I mean, it’s crossed my mind, but I never really thought about it. I’d already gone so long without one, so…
[ Has she watched friends and families celebrate birthdays together at the places she’s worked? Children excitedly blowing out candles and opening up presents? Yes, sometimes longingly. But it was hard to miss something she didn’t remember. ]
no subject
[There's a sudden, childlike intensity to the declaration.]
You should pick a time of year you like the most, and feel the most alive, and choose a birthday. If you're going to value others', it would be hypocritical not to.
no subject
I’ll…I’ll think about it. Suddenly I can’t decide what my favorite time of year is.
[ It was exciting in a way that made her heart beat faster. To declare that a certain day was her day. ]
When I do decide on one…will you celebrate with me?
no subject
[In the moment, he can promise as much. The complications that might arise also don't have to be considered, immediately. All the things that can happen between now and then are infinite and intimidating, but this, at least, is nice.]
no subject
I’m really glad you’re here, Linden.
no subject
[Today at least. It does vary, at times, but she's so kind.]
The feeling is reciprocal, of course. I hope that's always clear.
[He's not the best at communicating feelings, after all. He's often misunderstood.]
no subject
Do you um…need help with anything today?
[ Meaning, can she tag along?]
no subject
[He sounds surprised.]
A few errands, maybe. Are you sure you have nothing better to do?
no subject
[ It’s been a while since she’d done that kind of work, a part of her missing it and the people she had worked with. Alex was certain she’d like it just as much with Linden. ]
I’m pretty good with following direction!
(no subject)
(no subject)