[L blinks, caught off-guard by the accuracy of the account, as well as its source. It digs at him, of course, being reminded that Niles rescued him after securing a win. Being reminded that he's fragile, and that he was in a position at all to be at the mercy of someone who should have destroyed him when he had the chance.

He's also reminded, of course, of the double life he's been leading this whole time. What had coaxed him out the door that first time, those ensuing times, wasn't the promise of a tender outing with Myr, but vicious chances to continue to prick and pull at Niles in a way that L felt he alone was entitled to. It's what's lent him vigor and motivation on days nothing else could. Like the addictions he'd set aside, it had consumed so much.]

All of that is right.

[Confirmed in a low voice. Niles' account, his own lies, whether blatantly spoken or simply by merit of omission. The spirit was the same. It came from a place of fear, that some sustaining presence he needed to keep living would be taken away from him if he was honest about what made him tick.]

When I found out he was still alive, for sure, it felt wrong to just leave it alone. Then I couldn't leave it alone, and I thought I could manage it without involving you, when it seemed like things were making you happy again.

[He hates that Niles talked. He hates that Niles talked after not letting him fall. Is this really the chimera's cowardly out?]

I have no excuse for myself.

[All of his efforts in other ways to be better, these last months, suddenly seem so trivial and meaningless.]